I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
