I'm pants shitting drunk right now
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
