Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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