hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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