my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I could make wine with my vomit
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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