I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
