I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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