my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
