How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
