Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
