He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You are a genius and a whore.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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