WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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