I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
