dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
