this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
