the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
