His hands were made for my vagina.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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