the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
