so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
