i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
