Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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