Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
