if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
