All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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