accomplished twins. life is a go
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize