he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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