I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
