I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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