He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
