they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All the doctor said was why
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
