i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
zippers are such a cool invention
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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