It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
