if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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