i permit you to call me
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
