Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
