You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
