apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
