I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
