i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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