Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
