i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
