I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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