Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
