i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
