There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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