I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
