I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize