I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
