so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
