what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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