I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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