i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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