I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
