You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
