Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
