he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
