I want to have your abortion
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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