One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
