I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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