did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
