chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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