My first STD was from a foam party
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
