i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
