Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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