Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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