Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
