I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize