i love accidental penises.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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