I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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