I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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